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One day, A nudist was very eager to go to the beach and get tanned “all over”. Tho’ he went to a non-nudist beach, hardly anyone was there, so he removed all his clothes, layed down and covered his prick with a newspaper, just in case. Suddenly, a little girl appeared out of nowhere and asked the man.
“Mister, what are you hiding under the newspaper?” Said the girl.
“This is a bird, don’t mess with it!” He replied
“Okay…”
With this, the little girl skipped happily away, also, the man got back to laying on the sand and fell asleep afterwards.

By the time he woke up, he was greeted by the sight of him being in an hospital ward and having an immense pain in his genital area. Seeing him regain his conciousness, the doctor then asked him what happened. The man said the last thing he remembered is when that particular girl asked him about his “Birdie”. So the police found the girl and asked her what she did on that fateful day.
She Replied:
“Well… I was… playing with this man’s birdie, I had fun for a while with it, but it suddenly grew big and spat on me. I got angry and I broke it’s neck, cracked it’s eggs, and set it’s nest on fire.”

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you try to fix it for me?” Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running. Would you check on it?” And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?”

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, “Honey, I had the repairmen out today.” He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?” “Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.”

“Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked. She smiled. “What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”

In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them.
Take my friend, Joe. Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them.
So Joe went up to the salesperson but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were.
So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his condoms.
Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought them and left.
Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. So he went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone, “I need some condoms.”
The salesperson rang up the sale and said, “First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms…”
“…What I want to know is are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?”

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

I am willing to work any shift.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated work area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you have been constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management